I’m struggling to relate consistently, effectively, to myself. I’m questioning my motives which seem to shift in alignment with my general mental disposition.
Read: when I’m down, I seek externally (sex; time; attention, but also rich food; Netflix) to buoy. To quote Heath Ledger as The Joker, “I’m like a dog chasing cars – I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one.” To take that one step further: neither the dog nor the car would, to my mind, be served by the catching. It’s a confusion, a conflict, of paradigms.
This jittery awareness of awareness and constant drilling into motivation and perspective is counterpointed by egoic posturing and narrative construction.
I feel like I’m living numerous overlapping realities. It’s getting difficult to hold a light conversation when I’m in the weeds and struggle to optimise my state for connection with the other.
So I won’t. I’ll just turtle for a while.
Step it up, blitz ‘em with love. I may fail, but better to shoot for love than wallow in shit. A moonshot seems an OK way to die. The crowd thins out and the air grows rarified; I’ll see the stars unadulterated before my lungs collapse. Sounds beautiful to me.
…And where I am in October
Hahahaha, dude, I intend to live simply and without all this addiction to drama. As Antolini said in Catcher: “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one”.
I’m going to make some ham and cheese on toast.
I can’t believe it took me this long, as it is so simple, but I have discovered humanity’s ultimate currency.
More powerful than sex, drugs, rock and roll. Way more powerful than money or chattels. Stronger than “love”. Men and women will go screaming into the grave for it. Commit or receive atrocities for it. It is the cornerstone of governmental and especially religious power. It creates and destroys families, builds empires and rots them from within. It is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
It occurs to me that there is only one defence: find God within.
Do you have any fucking idea what a person could do with this knowledge and decent oratorical skills?
His life was a study in geometry. All boxed up in squares, walking well-trodden circles, maintaining awkward relationship triangles and gazing longingly at nondescript archways you’d never notice but for the laughing couples disappearing into them.