I’m struggling to relate consistently, effectively, to myself. I’m questioning my motives which seem to shift in alignment with my general mental disposition.
Read: when I’m down, I seek externally (sex; time; attention, but also rich food; Netflix) to buoy. To quote Heath Ledger as The Joker, “I’m like a dog chasing cars – I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one.” To take that one step further: neither the dog nor the car would, to my mind, be served by the catching. It’s a confusion, a conflict, of paradigms.
This jittery awareness of awareness and constant drilling into motivation and perspective is counterpointed by egoic posturing and narrative construction.
I feel like I’m living numerous overlapping realities. It’s getting difficult to hold a light conversation when I’m in the weeds and struggle to optimise my state for connection with the other.
So I won’t. I’ll just turtle for a while.